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The Gift of Constructive Conflict
I need to tell you something.
I'm a conflict avoider.
My first instinct when someone upsets or frustrates me? Retreat. Talk to everyone except the person I need to talk to. Build my case. Cast myself as the aggrieved party and the other person as the villain.
Sound familiar?
Here's what I've learned through 25+ years in employee relations:
The most entrenched, damaging workplace conflicts weren't caused by the initial disagreement. They were caused by avoidance.
And the irony? I see this pattern play out constantly in my work, even though I struggle with it myself. Because conflict avoidance isn't a character flaw—it's deeply human. We're wired to avoid discomfort.
The question is: what's the real cost of that avoidance?
The Price We Pay for Avoiding Difficult Conversations
"Conflict can and should be handled constructively; when it is, relationships benefit. — Harriet Braiker
The data on conflict avoidance is sobering. U.S. employees spend approximately 2.8 hours per week dealing with workplace conflict—that's nearly $359 billion in paid hours lost annually. But here's what struck me most:
85% of employees experience conflict to some degree, yet most organizations lack formal conflict resolution training.
The hidden costs run even deeper:
  • 27% of employees have witnessed conflicts escalate into personal attacks
  • Unresolved conflict is linked to decreased productivity, increased absenteeism, and higher turnover
  • The psychological toll includes increased stress, anxiety, and deteriorating workplace relationships
But here's what those statistics don't capture: all that energy we spend talking to everyone else about our frustration. The mental loops. The validation-seeking. The story-building about why we're right and they're wrong. What if we redirected that energy toward the one conversation that actually matters?
The Counterintuitive Truth About Conflict
"The quality of our lives depends not on whether or not we have conflicts, but on how we respond to them." — Thomas Crum
Here's what I've discovered, both personally and professionally:
Every single time I've found the courage to have the difficult conversation, I feel better afterward. 100% of the time. Not easier in the moment—I won't lie about that. But better after. And research backs this up.
Organizations that embrace constructive conflict see:
  • Stronger relationships built on trust and mutual understanding
  • Faster problem-solving because issues are addressed directly rather than festering
  • More innovation because people feel safe disagreeing and offering alternative perspectives
  • Higher psychological safety because difficult conversations become normalized, not catastrophic
The most surprising finding?
Conflict, when handled constructively, actually strengthens relationships more often than not. Or at minimum, it makes continued collaboration possible and even pleasant. But this requires a fundamental mindset shift.
The Shift: From Villain to Human
"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." — Stephen Covey
The transformation happens when we stop treating the other person as a villain in our story and start seeing them as a human being who, like us, is probably:
  • Trying their best
  • Operating from good intentions (yes, even if their impact wasn't great)
  • Dealing with layers of complexity we can't see
  • Managing their own stress, pressures, and challenges
This doesn't mean excusing harmful behavior. It means approaching conflict with curiosity about their perspective rather than certainty about their intentions. When I approach someone this way—when I genuinely wonder "What might be happening for them that I don't understand?"—the conversation shifts.
It's less scary than I imagined.
We move through the conflict faster. And often, we come out the other side with a stronger working relationship.
The Courage Requirement
"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." — Winston Churchill
Let's be honest: having difficult conversations requires bravery.
And being brave doesn't mean not feeling scared—it means finding the courage to act despite the fear. But we don't have to do this alone. We can:
  • Create conditions that support our courage (the right time, place, and emotional state)
  • Get support from a trusted colleague, HR partner, or coach
  • Practice the skills needed for constructive dialogue
  • Use frameworks that give structure when emotions run high
Being brave enough to engage in constructive conflict isn't just good for the immediate situation—it's an investment in your own wellbeing and the health of your workplace culture.
A Framework for Your Journey: PEACE
If you're like me and find yourself retreating from conflict, having a framework can be transformative. Here's the approach I use—both personally and in my consulting work:
P – Prepare with Intention
  • Clarify your goal for the conversation (what outcome would feel like success?)
  • Check your assumptions about the other person's intentions
  • Choose the right time and place for the conversation
  • Ground yourself emotionally before engaging
E – Enter with Curiosity
  • Start from a place of genuine inquiry, not accusation
  • Use "I" statements to share your experience without blame
  • Ask open-ended questions: "Help me understand..." or "What was happening for you when..."
  • Listen to understand, not to prepare your rebuttal
A – Acknowledge Multiple Truths
  • Recognize that different perspectives can coexist
  • Validate the other person's experience even if you disagree
  • Look for common ground and shared goals
  • Resist the urge to be "right" at the expense of relationship
C – Co-create Solutions
  • Brainstorm options together rather than defending positions
  • Focus on future behavior, not past blame
  • Find creative compromises that honor both perspectives
  • Agree on specific, actionable next steps
E – Exit with Respect
  • Thank them for their willingness to engage
  • Follow through on commitments made
  • Check in after some time has passed
  • Acknowledge the courage it took from both of you
The Invitation
Conflict isn't the enemy of good workplace culture—conflict avoidance is. When we find the courage to have the conversations that scare us, we:
  • Free ourselves from the exhausting mental loops
  • Build stronger, more authentic relationships
  • Model healthy behavior for those around us
  • Create cultures where problems get solved instead of buried
  • Discover that difficult conversations are rarely as catastrophic as we feared
The gift of constructive conflict isn't that it's easy or comfortable. The gift is that it works. It makes us healthier, happier, and more connected.
So here's my challenge to you:
What's one difficult conversation you've been avoiding? What would it take to approach that person with curiosity instead of certainty? What support do you need to show up with courage?
The relationship—and your own peace of mind—is worth it.
Resources for Deeper Learning
The PEACE framework is just a starting point. If you want to build your conflict resolution skills, here are resources I recommend:
  • "Crucial Conversations" by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler — Essential reading on how to handle high-stakes conversations
  • "Difficult Conversations" by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen — Brilliant insights on the hidden dynamics in conflict
  • "Thanks for the Feedback" by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen — Transforms how we receive difficult messages
  • Nonviolent Communication (NVC) by Marshall Rosenberg — A compassionate approach to expressing needs and hearing others
Ready to build a culture where healthy conflict strengthens your team instead of dividing it? Let's talk about how the 5 C's framework can transform your workplace. Visit [crestcollaborative.com] to learn more.
Andrea Seitz is the Founder of CREST Collaborative, bringing 25+ years of HR leadership experience including 9 years at Amazon building inclusion programs that reached tens of thousands of employees globally. She holds a Master's degree in Conflict Management and a Bachelor's degree in Communication. She specializes in culture transformation, employee relations, and creating human-centered workplaces where people genuinely want to work.
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